1/14/02

Bin Laden Pretzel Gets Past White House Security

By BenLizard, Stapler Fight
   WASHINGTON DC- The White House confirmed today rumors that a terrorist group (not as yet released whether linked to Bin Laden or the Taliban) infiltrated the Presidential food supply in an unsuccesful attempt on President Bush's life. At appoximately 3:54 PM EST, saturday evening a truck carrying various food supplies made a regularly scheduled drop off, containing a small bag of tainted pretzels. These were delivered without delay to the White House Kitchens, in particular the pantry of Bush's personal snacks. Authorities have no reason to believe that the pretzels were altered or exchanged between the truck and the kitchen.
   At approximately 4:54 PM EST, President Bush visited the kitchens, unknowingly picking up the bag of pretzels on his way to watch the Heat/Ravens game, kickoff at 5:15 PM EST. At 5:35 PM EST, Bush opened the bag and ate a pretzel. Immediatly he lost conciousness and fell of the couch onto the floor aside his two dogs, Spotty and Barney. While unconfirmed, Bush's cat, India, was believed to be sitting on the couch, licking it's crotch at the time of his collapse.
   Tests revealed that the pretzels contained granuals of sodium chloride (NaCl) compressed to 500 times the potency of normal table salt. This massive pressence of NaCl may cause cells to release water in order to balance salt levels inside and outside the cell. The altered NaCl would cause almost all the water to leave the cell, effectively killing it.
   However, the terrorists didn't know that you don't mess with Texas. Bush's rigorous exercise program has led to an overall sodium defiency in his bloodstream, greatly countering the effects of the pretzel. The result was a stimulation of the vagal nerve causing only temporary unconciousness when his throat could have collapsed. Bush awakened to find his pets still watching the NFL, blissfully unaware of his close encounter. The White House explained that Bush, quite shaken, proceeded up to the resident doctor's office, by way of the elevator from his 2nd floor living quarters. Examinations concluded that while mentally disturbed, Bush would be fully recovered in less than 3 hours while the NaCl worked its way out of his bloodstream. White House spokesman Ari Fleisher told press that "safety measures will definately be increased and an incident of this kind is not expected to happen again." In the meanwhile, he recommends that all citizens tread with care while eating as food monitering equipment is being set up nation wide. When reached for comment, Bush exuberantly told us, "Yo, Osama's trying scare us into not eating stuff, so eat a BigMac[tm] or a Chalupa[tm] or something, yo. It's the American Way. Don't mess with Texas. peace."